Article written by Karyne Vaillant | Brio PAE Call & Intervention Coordinator and Therapist
Toxic relationships: recognizing the invisible
When relationships become destructive
There are times in life when certain relationships become a source of unease, stress or suffering. This can happen in relationships with partners, friends, family or even at work. Sometimes, these relationships can be deeply damaging to self-esteem, mental health and even safety. These are known as toxic relationships. These dynamics often creep up gradually, so it can be difficult to recognize them in time.
A toxic relationship is not simply a difficult or occasionally conflictual relationship. It’s a relationship in which a destructive dynamic takes hold and the person ends up losing their sense of freedom, security, respect or self-worth. Often, the person gradually becomes isolated and their self-confidence crumbles.
Violence in these relationships unfolds gradually: psychologically, financially, sexually, socially or spiritually. Hurtful words recur, intensify, and eventually erode identity. You begin to doubt yourself, to feel confused, as if in a fog. You no longer recognize yourself, you feel as if you’ve lost your essence, your identity. You’re walking on eggshells. You feel that nothing is ever enough, that everything is your fault. And when the thought ” I’m a monster, who’d want me? ” sets in, it’s a sign that your self-esteem has been deeply damaged. You can’t see a way out, you feel at your lowest, broken.
This is also when the mechanisms of control come into their own. The other person multiplies his or her strategies: gaslighting, denigration, contradictions, guilt-tripping… Gaslighting, in particular, is a form of psychological manipulation in which the person is led to doubt his or her own perception of reality, memories and judgment.
Psychological violence is often at the heart of this imbalance:
- It manifests itself in verbal attacks, constant criticism, humiliation or manipulation.
- It creates a climate of insecurity, self-doubt and emotional dependency.
- Even without physical violence, it can psychologically exhaust the sufferer and make the relationship deeply harmful.
In other words, any toxic relationship often involves some form of psychological abuse, as this is what weakens the person, maintains control and prevents healthy communication. Identifying these signs early can help prevent isolation and more serious mental health consequences.
Some telling data
- 1 in 3 Canadians will experience some form of domestic or family violence in their lifetime. (Statistics Canada, 2023)
- Women aged 25 to 34 are most at risk of experiencing domestic violence.
- Nearly 60% of people struggling with addiction report living or having lived in a toxic relationship (Institut universitaire sur les dépendances, 2022).
- Children exposed to domestic violence are 3 times more likely to repeat or experience abusive relationships as adults.
In what types of relationships is it possible to experience a toxic relationship?
Couple
- Constant criticism, control, excessive jealousy, isolation, emotional manipulation.
- Psychological violence, but also sometimes sexual or economic.
Family
- Toxic parent (control, emotional blackmail, parentification…)
- Siblings, in-laws: unhealthy competition, excessive responsibility, subtle contempt.
Friendships
- Friends who use, minimize, ridicule, take advantage of time and/or generosity, emotional monopolization.
- Rivalry, jealousy, one-sided accountability.
Professional relationships of assistance or authority
- Professionals who denigrate, blame and impose.
- Relationships where there is a power dynamic (coach, mentor, teacher, community leader).
Communities and social groups
- Religious groups, organizations, clubs: pressure to conform, guilt, threat of exclusion.
- Sectarian dynamics or collective hold.
Online relationships
- Catfishing, cyberstalking, blackmail, toxic dynamics via messaging.
- Emotional overconsumption and dependence on validation.
Work environment
- Colleagues, managers or subordinates.
- Harassment, microaggressions, overloading, favoritism, disguised punishments.
- Toxic climate (culture of silence, fear of reprisals).
Find out how to recognize harassment in the workplace with our easy-to-use tool.
What are the dynamics of a toxic relationship?
Understanding the phases of the cycle of violence: honeymoon, tension, explosion.
The impact of toxic relationships on self-esteem: progressive erasure of identity.
Narcissistic relationships or relationships with a narcissistic pervert: subtle manipulation, control, gaslighting.
Codependency and emotional dependency: when personal well-being is entirely dependent on the other person.
What are the issues specifically related to the family?
- Toxic parent-child relationships (e.g. controlling, absent or dependent parent)
- The intergenerational legacy of violence or silence
- Toxic siblings or family triangulation
How do you rebuild your identity after a toxic relationship?
After being manipulated, controlled and belittled, people often no longer know who they are. Reconstructing one’s identity is a profound and fragile process.
Intervene with care:
- Encourage small victories of confidence: making a decision, naming a need
- Support the exploration of personal values: “What’s important to you?”
- Use self-connection exercises (creative journal, life tree, timeline)
- Emphasize the intrinsic value of the person, even outside the relationship
How to prevent toxicity in
new relationships?
The wounds left by a toxic relationship can lead to repetitive patterns, or on the contrary, an excessive fear of closeness.
Prevention involves education, self-awareness and relearning healthy relationships. Prevention also means unlearning what we once thought was “normal” in love and family.
Naming what we experience: the first step towards freedom
Toxic relationships are not always visible to the naked eye. They creep in, become trivialized and justified. We need to hold up a kind mirror to the people concerned, without imposing solutions, but offering a safe space to reflect, recognize and, if necessary, free oneself.
Some injuries leave no visible marks. Yet their effects are profound and long-lasting.
Emotional abuse, manipulation and control are at the heart of many toxic relationships. Their subtlety often makes them invisible, but their impact is very real.
Do you recognize yourself in these situations? Don’t stay alone. Our psychological health professionals are here to support you. Find out more about our services, how to access them and the types of professionals who work with us!